When I first saw the title of this blog that my friend had set up for us I had an idea of the tone of the first post I wanted to write. Typical me, my ideas have changed over the last few days.
Events in life have a way of building to a crescendo, the breaking of a
wave, cresting a summit or just throwing your arms up in the air…getting a little angry and saying ENOUGH!

I have been in a pattern for the past ten years of appeasement, placating and not really being as authentic as I should be. I would like to say that this has been because I am such a nice accommodating empathetic person that I just put everyone’s needs in front of my own – but the reality is that it’s been fear that has been my primary motivator. It’s driven me to allow really unhealthy relationships and actions to go on for far to long and to be taken advantage of over and over again.
What I am beginning to realize is that it is not only fear that has motivated me but also a faulty way if thinking about myself and how that relates to those relationships and conditions in which I allow myself to be in. I have been under an illusion, a delusion a bit of psychosis maybe and it’s all about my perception of myself, god and people around me and my worth in relation to others.

I realize as I write this that I have really not believed that I deserve to be treated as well as I would expect myself to treat others. That I don’t deserve dignity, respect or love. That god loves you and you and you but is still really having doubts about me – and I don’t even like myself so why should anyone else.

So this is me coming up to the top
Of a long arduous hill, turning the corner, shaking my fists, getting angry and coming to a quiet realization. It’s moment like this that I look back on that have led to the most change in my life – no lighting bolt, burning bush or pillar of fire. More like a fire in the belly….my feet finding firm foundation and a steely determination that says ok, Not – Ever – Again.

I am willing to walk away, to start over to end it all to begin again, to cut strings and to change everything to see my future look different than the past. There have been other watershed moments like this before where everything goes on the table and nothing is safe from being eliminated. It may sound grim and it has been incredibly at times to get me to this point but now I am relieved. Unless everything changes nothing changes and nothings is excluded.

So I look forward to the future knowing that everything could change in a moment and being fully prepared to fight for what I believe in no matter the cost. I have to live…how ever long that may be…with some sort of dignity and grace and that is something that is non-negotiable. My anger and frustration has turned to passion – I am one of gods kids just like everyone else and refuse to treat myself or let others treat me as anything less than that.

So blow winds if change – knock down everything – go ahead and let the earth shake and let everything crumble around me – pull, push, snap any ties that bind. I’ll rebuild from the wreckage…I have in the past…I am already dreaming up the plans and building the new structure in my mind. So do your worst – freedom is worth it and is always born of pain – but I know my identity and who I am and won’t allow others to manipulate or control me any longer. No longer will I let others define how I show up for life…and this is what it means to have “no strings on me”!